Unfinished Business

BUZZ!!! Your girlfriend...WOOF!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

...And Now, The Conclusion!

Ok, so I've spent the past few days in a trance-like state, doing my best to give an accurate play by play of how the fight between Mr. T and MacGyver would go down. After several hours of thought and prayer, I think I've got it. Also, since I am the self-proclaimed master of all that is trivial, any suggestion that the fight would differ in any way from the account listed here will be ridiculed and furthermore ignored by the author, so step off B. Here it goes. One day Mr. T. is making his daily rounds in his 1983 GMC Custom Van when he come across some kids vandalizing a youth center. Hold on a sec, and behold the glory of Mr. T's sweet van. Right, on with it then. So as Mr. T emerges to beat the children to a bloody pulp, he fails to realize they're not children at all, they're construction workers, and they're actually building a youth center, not destroying one. To add to the confusion, he also believes the white paint they're using on the walls is some form of poisoned milk meant to harm the children. Things are not looking good for the workers who have all wet their pants by this point in anticipation of the vicious unwarranted beating that awaits them. Little did any of them know that high above the clouds, in a hang glider constructed entirely out of pixie stick tubes and hot-glued pine needles, MacGyver is patrolling the skies. Seeing everything that's happening below, Mac takes action and begins his descent upon the construction site. While the sight of the flying man distracts T, the workers escape, which further incites him to rage. In this moment of weakness, MacGyver, wielding a lasso he made out of dead skin cells and wolverine fur, disarms T of his large machine gun (Mac hates guns!). It is so on. Before Mac hits the ground, T throws a minute boulder (see below) at him, thoroughly disabling his glider and plummeting both to the ground.

A Minute Boulder

As Mac comes to, he wakes to the blurred image of a large fist reigning blow after blow upon his face. This simply would not do. Mac uses his feet to throw T off and escapes into the woods. T tries to follow in his van, but Mac hides in a hollow tree trunk to avoid detection. Mac considers his options. He could either make a rail gun out of an old hair dryer, part of a tape player, and his top right molar, or a small cold fusion device out of a bag of cheetos puffs.

Revel In The Awesome Power!

As Mac plots and plans his attack, Mr. T does what he does best. He drinks some milk and gets really pissed. So pissed in fact, he begins up-rooting the trees of the forest one by one and throwing them obscene distances. Mac's cover is prematurely blown and he is once again forced into open combat. Mr. T, who obviously has the physical upper hand, wails unmercifully on MacGyver. Right as he's about to lose consciousness, Mac notices a rare ivy growth, that if mixed with methane, could cause certain elements, such as gold, to superheat. Mac grabs some of the leaves, stuffs them in T's front pocket, rolls on his stomach and thanks god Taco Bell was the only thing open the night before. As his flagellant fills the air, the gold chains around Mr. T's neck begin to heat up, eventually melting though his neck and decapitating him. Mac stumbles away, combing through his mullet, grateful that his superior intellect had saved him yet again when all the sudden...
Yeah, you guessed it. Mac and Mr. T were definitely fighting in the same forest that Arnold and the Predator were throwin' down in, so when that wanker Predator decided to self destruct, Mac and T are both incinerated in the blast.What a wanker!

You may be asking yourself then, who won the fight? Was it Mac because T. died first, or did the explosion nullify the entire battle? Well my friends, the answer is simple. It doesn't matter. The point of all this is that Dutch from the Predator would kick both their collective backsides! Arnold Rules!"Rest in peace you ugly mother f---ers!"


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